My real purpose of writing, of getting mismatched thoughts out through printed words, is a desire for understanding. For discernment. For mindfulness.
I struggle. I struggle with the fears and emotions that each of us confronts on a daily basis. One of my self-known biggest vices is an inability to live in the moment. 2011 has demonstrated this to me greatly. I strive for GREATNESS (the ALL CAPS kind) but fail to see the greatness in the every day. Sunshine. Smiles. The ability to wake up each day, put two feet on the floor, and get out of bed.
I also struggle with finding meaning for myself and my life. My impatience, intelligence and inquisitive nature leads me to question what God's plan is for me. I know that it is not for me to know in my time, but it is for God to reveal in his own time. I know that. But that fact doesn't help me overcome my desire to figure it out. And on the other hand, I don't believe that I should just roll with the punches and see what happens. I believe that God respects and admires a search for vocation, whatever it may be. I contend that he wants me to actively seek it out.
This leads me to my resolutions.
My watchwords for 2012 are mindfulness and discernment. I will strive not to get distracted by ALL CAPS GREATNESS but to appreciate the little things and how each thread is woven into the tapestry of my life. Consciousness in thought, word and deed is essential. I want to ponder why I do the things that I do, what they mean to my soul, and how they portray me to others. I want to be mindful. As St. Therese of Lisieux said, "You know well enough that Our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love at which we do them." I want to express love in my every action in every day.
I believe that this sense of mindfulness will lead to discernment. How can I discern what God's plan for me is if I do not know myself? I need to listen to what my soul is and does. I need to learn to recognize what is a distraction and what is a truth. This will lead me to figuring out not only what I want out of life but what I need out of life. I struggle (my wannabe watchword) with personal issues that may or may not come to light in the form of this blog. I often question God's plan for me. I question why he would make me to have the feelings and desires that I have and then not provide a suitable outlet for them. I want to know myself as He knows me. I want to bring the me that He knows to our conversations, ask informed questions and get answers. Am I being too demanding of God? I welcome your thoughts. I believe that I am not. My inexpert opinion is that God wants to provide answers, but He won't hand them over without some hard work. I am willing to work hard to meet God as far as I can. I expect that He'll still leave me in the dark more often than not. He's God. He can do that. But I need to try.
This all sounds great and noble, I know. But it is just words. And words have a funny way of holding no power without action (which is just crazy when you think about how powerful words can actually be). I am prepared to pursue my words through action. In my next post (hopefully!), I'll discuss my tools for my journey to understanding. To mindfulness and discernment.
